Typically, I dread getting my mail for the reasons most college students do — sky-high credit card bills and paying off the minimum balance for yet another month.
But in early September I was quite excited when I saw that magical piece of mail, the magazine wrapped in the plastic envelope with the black cover. You know what I’m talking about. The greatest, most entertaining, all-purpose magazine ever — Playboy.
Everyone’s heard the cliche guys only read it “for the articles.” That’s sad. I’m not ashamed to admit that I look at the pictures. This is probably one of the reasons I’m short of a girlfriend right now, but that’s a totally unrelated story.
The reason I was particularly interested in the pictures this month was because of the theme, “Girls of the SEC.” Every year, Playboy does a section featuring nude photos of girls who attend the colleges of that conference. It’s usually widely publicized around college campuses and tons of pretty girls line up and shed their clothes in hopes of getting their big modeling breaks.
As I was perused the issue and noticed how hot all the girls were, I couldn’t help but think that I either went to the wrong school or that all the girls who are Playboy material hide it very well in class. I’m not saying everyone who goes here is ugly. And while I’m not one with room to criticize, I feel like I’ve somehow missed the hot model/college girl boat.
One could argue that a lot of the girls who got to Pitt actually are hot enough to be in Playboy, but that I just haven’t seen them naked. This is true. I’m hoping next year Playboy will prove me wrong by doing a “Girls of the Big East” theme, giving us our big chance to expose our talent.
Until then, I want to see some major changes on this campus, because we still have one last shot this year for beautiful recognition. Outside of its yearly conference photo shoot, Playboy does a spread on the colleges with the most beautiful girls and best party schools.
Now, we’re not going to prove ourselves if we go around dressing like we’re hung over the day after a party.
Girls — from now on and until that glorious day when Pitt finally makes Playboy, I want to see you in miniskirts or something equally revealing at all times.
And seeing as how Playboy doesn’t rate guys, it doesn’t matter what you guys wear. But it is still your job to make the girls look as hot as possible and contact the Playboy people to make them aware of our beautiful student body. Or should I say students’ bodies.
And girls: don’t be afraid to show a lot of skin. Obviously, Playboy frowns on girls who are clothed. So next time you need to get changed, do it in a roomful of people and show us what you’ve got. This way we’ll be able to accurately report to Playboy on the talent on our campus.
This is of course not a cheap ploy for me to see more college girls naked. Case in point, I’m already looking at this month’s issue, which is full of naked girls. This is my revolutionary program to better this campus and to draw national attention to our great educational programs.
Well, maybe a small part of it has to do with beautiful naked girls.
Girls, I hope we are on the same page now. I expect to see, in no less than a week, the hotness index go through the roof. This way we will achieve the goal we all share — to show off our most assets in the classiest publication on the market, Playboy.
Jeremy Suraf apologizes for being a chauvinist pig. Send him your glamour shots — which he will be forwarding to Playboy — at jssst68@pitt.edu
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