TBR: Ditch 'Twilight'

This week on Instant NetFlix: Vampire films that punch in the pale, glittering mug of “Twilight.”

Three weeks after its release, “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” has already taken in more than $250 million, and it’s still No. 2 at the box office. This is the greatest fleecing of the movie-going public since “The Matrix Reloaded.”

“Twilight” has done to vampires what Joel Schumacher did to the “Batman” franchise: Emphasized the nipples.

Instead of watching this powder-faced, parent-friendly take on age-old archfiends, here’s a few movies that keep vampires wicked:

“Let the Right One In”
“Twilight” stars a teen boy who has lived for more than a century. What a dreamboat! But “Let the Right One In” shops in the one-upsmanship aisle.

What happens when a 12-year-old girl gets trapped as a vampire for 200 years?

Eli (played by Lina Leandersson) has experienced more than anyone on the planet – for better or worse – but she is still constrained by her ageless body of a child. Relationships are narrowed to prepubescent boys or pedophiles.

She can still treat her victims like a Pennsylvania gamesman does a deer, but there are limitations to her physical strength. Rather than force, Eli mentally manipulates humans. Actually, she’s forced to because she needs an invitation to enter any building.

Eli begrudgingly befriends a boy named Oskar, who gets bullied at school. The soulless brutes are so cruel, you find more humanity in Eli. There’s a sweet purity to their bond. Oskar teaches Eli Morse Code so they can talk while she’s in her coffin (and she stays up all day to tap “small kiss” to him).

But be wary of inviting her into your home or heart. An unexplained old man who tends to Eli’s “meals” makes you question her motives. Is he a sadistic friend or an aging lover? How long can love sustain this Roman Polanski relationship?

And when that tortured caretaker can’t continue his wretched work, what role does Eli have in mind for Oskar?

“Let the Right One In” is a disturbing Swedish film set in Stockholm. Yes, that means subtitles – we’re in college, and it’s not like you’re reading a Chemistry textbook.

Director Tomas Alfredson films the movie like a Gus Van Sant side project (re: “Paranoid Park,” “Last Days”). It’s a calculated palette that feels both drab and rich. Fortunately, Alfredson avoids the everything’s-bland-but-the-superbright-red-blood cliché.

Unfortunately, this film is getting remade in “American” under the title “Let Me In.” Matt Reeves will direct, assumedly from his raging commercial success as the writer for “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory.” It’s destined for triteness and set to star Kodi Smit-McPhee – the dweeb from “The Road” – and Chloe Moretz – from “My Friends Tigger & Pooh” fame and the only bad part of “(500) Days of Summer.”

It’s sure to be a diluted mess, so get the AB- concentrate with this Swedish masterpiece.

“Nosferatu”
This classic movie stars former Vice President Dick Cheney as himself. Director F.W. Murnau based the film on Cheney’s pre-political life.

In it, this cursed imp wants to relocate his unholy lair in the Carpathian Mountains to a nearby town. Cheney obsesses over a human guest’s wife, intent on defiling her with his ghoulish seed. Meanwhile, the guest is discovering that, during the night, Cheney “clutches his victim and sucks their blood like a gruesome life-saving drink.”

Blood is life, according to Cheney’s spider-eating sycophant (played by Sean Hannity).

Though this silent movie was filmed in 1922, the images of Cheney remain creepy. He’s a blighted goblin who carries a plague wherever he travels. No conscious human could ever love him, so he is compelled to hypnotize the weak-minded into submission.

“Nosferatu” isn’t very complex, but it remains culturally relevant. This was the first movie about vampires as we know them today.

Also, Willem Dafoe starred in an excellent retelling of the filming of “Nosferatu,” titled “Shadow of the Vampire.” In this black comedy, Dafoe gave an Oscar-nominated performance as Cheney’s unsanctified incubus.

But even his talent could not evoke the soulless depravity of the original Dick.

* If you liked “Nosferatu,” check out “Vampyr”

Even if none of these tempt your canines, at least watch “Interview With a Vampire” before “New Moon.” No matter if you choose Jacob or Edward, you’re in the same squad: Team Lame.

If vampires aren’t your thing, here’s some other some other Instant darkness:
“Creepshow” – Though “Creepshow 2” has more campy entertainment, this is worth checking out.
“Gonzo” – Unfortunately, it’s not about the Muppet, but it’s the best Hunter S. Thompson documentary out there.
“Alfred Hitchcock Presents” seasons 1-3 –The granddaddy of goreless horror delivers still-freaky stories .

Next week: Farewell, 2000s. The decade’s best.